biological warfare

Ever seen that Mucinex commercial where the cartoon family of phlegm throw a party in some poor sick person’s body? Well, that body may as well be mine… except there’s one major difference. In the commercial, the family gets blown away by the Mucinex… but in reality, the family puts up a big fight, or wages war rather, and the Mucinex is no match for their battle tactics… and neither are the Airborne troopers, the pain killers, or the orange juicers… even when equipped with a large water supply, antioxidant-rich food, vitamins, and lots of rest. Nothing will get that phlegm out of my damn body. Though the flu has long since surrendered, the phlegm has not. And I’ve now been coughing for two weeks and four days straight. Because of it, I have blown all the muscles off my ribcage, front to back… and can’t so much as lay down, pick up a bag, cough, or even laugh without feeling as though I’m getting stabbed all over my midsection. So despite being technically healthy now (aside from the cold that joined forces with the phlegm a few days ago), these battle wounds have left me feeling worse than when I had a fever, chills, and migraine.

Since I am one of the millions of people without health insurance, I never went to a doctor, but I figured they can’t do anything about the flu anyway. I finally checked into a free clinic the other day, just to make sure I didn’t have pneumonia or something more serious. And they told me just what I thought I’d hear… “You had the flu. Sit it out.” At least I didn’t have to pay anything to hear it.

So here I am, literally sitting it out, since even prescription-strength doses of pain killers don’t numb the pain the phlegm regime has inflicted upon the poor muscles of my body.

If my mom or stepdad read this, which they probably will, they will say it’s my fault. And I would probably agree. I don’t usually get sick because I usually take the proper precautions… which involve drinking my stepdad’s anti-sickness concoction - vodka and elderberries at the first sign of a sniffle or tickle. It wages war on the germs, but unfortunately, also takes some civilian casualties - your tastebuds. However, my family has side-stepped colds and various other viral infections for the past few years because of it. But not this time, because I was dumb enough to not drink it, even though I had the tickle three days before I first came down with every textbook flu symptom. I am optimistic however that I will win this war in the coming days. In the meantime though, I plan my battles. I’m bringing in reinforcement troops. It may be a little late, but I figure winning the war is at least worth a shot… of vodka and elderberries.