Sammy Sumo, affectionately referred to as Thammy Thumo, is the FATTEST cat I think I have ever met (and I have met a lot of fat cats). This photo doesn’t really show it, but you’re gonna have to trust me that he is the width of at least two or three normal cats, and has Arnold Schwartzenegger’s shoulders.

Tabasco, also known as Asshole Kitty, scares me. He is the tyrant of the house and rules with a heavy fist. He picks on the other cats and even attacked my leg to the point that my jeans now have bloodstains. He is an uber-sweetheart when the other cats aren’t around (snuggles me like crazy), but if he sees a cat playing on the other side of the house, he may just go investigate and attack. He gets locked in the bathroom when he does this, and spends the night in there by himself to ensure no catfights occur while I’m trying to get my beauty sleep.

Kizzy is very sweet, and very soft. She likes to hide under the bathroom and kitchen cupboards. I wish she wouldn’t hide so much, but in time I’m sure she’ll show her face more.

Beauregard has cancer. I’m told he’s the lover of the bunch, but I haven’t really seen that yet. He’s not too happy with the current situation and likes to hide like Kizzy. In time…

Misty is a bag of bones. She is old and in renal failure. I have to give her subcutaneous fluids everyday, an additional injection through the fluids IV drip, and medication twice a day.

Sonoyi. Sonoyi was my mortal enemy when I first got him on Monday. He didn’t like me and I didn’t like him when he yowled all night long. I got no sleep. I bought ear plugs the next day and can only sleep if he is locked in the cat room on the other side of the house. He has since stopped yowling as much, and has taken a liking to me. He has a huge jaw that reminds me of Scar from the Lion King. He needs fluids every other day and medication twice a day.

And of course, there are my pumpkins Baby and Stella. They are doing really great throughout all this. I was amazed at how well they did at first when I got Misty and Sonoyi on Monday. Key words being “at first.” I guess as long as Misty and Sonoyi stayed out of the bedroom, all was well. But when Misty tried to walk in, Baby flipped out and all the cats started to hate each other. But after a few more days, things settled down. When the other five arrived yesterday, Baby alternately hissed and rubbed up against Sammy Sumo. This is what she does to dogs, hiss and rub. I suspect she simply thought Sammy was a dog. He is that fat. This morning, Baby relinquished the dominance throne to Tabasco, and the whole house is much more harmonious because of it, but he’s still an asshole and can strike without warning. We aren’t in the clear just yet. And until we are, my darling two get me and my master bedroom all to themselves at night.